I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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