If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
