Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
