Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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