Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
