she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
