Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
