I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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