You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize