3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
