Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
