Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
