all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
