Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We have started to decorate penises.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
not ubering you a puppy
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
