So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
only you would photoshop your dick
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think i got beer on your cat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
