one might say we're banned from that church
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize