Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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