I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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