She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
