Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
where are you?
Hypothermia
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
