I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
