my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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