I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
