Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
