I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
