Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize