I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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