Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
