The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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