i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Please don't give away my fajitas
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