You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
