there's paper in my vomit.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
