he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
