I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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