now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
