I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
