Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
