I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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