Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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