her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
