cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize