Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
