i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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