I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
