Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
