i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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