They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
