If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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