i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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