If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
