If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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