I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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