I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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