She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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