I accidentally had phone sex last night
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
