I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
