Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize