GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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