Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
time to smoke my breakfast
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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