I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
try to milk me bitch
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