I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
